


but we rise and we fall

by s-kiz (pigalle)



Series: Chan's very shitty month, thank you very much, universe [4]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Bang Chan-centric, Canon Universe, First Kiss, Insomniac Bang Chan, Lee Minho | Lee Know is a Sweetheart, Love Confessions, M/M, Overworking, Trust Issues, chan doesn't want to sleep in case he has another nightmare, edited as of 10-09-20 to remove w, the trust issues are directed more towards the world than a person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-04-21 17:21:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22099411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pigalle/pseuds/s-kiz
Summary: Chan doesn't trust the dream to not come back as soon as he falls asleep, so he avoids sleep as good as he can. Of course he fails, though.Or, Chan doesn't trust sleep, but Minho will have none of it.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Series: Chan's very shitty month, thank you very much, universe [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1590139
Comments: 2
Kudos: 125
Collections: Hurt/Comfort Bingo - Round 10





	but we rise and we fall

**Author's Note:**

> in case you came here from the minchan tag: this is part 4 of a 5 part series. they are separate fics for the sake of the h/c-bingo, but could just as well have been chapters in one fic. check the _chan's very shitty month, thank you very much, universe_ series for previous parts!

When Chan wakes up the next morning it's the first time in several days that it isn't from a nightmare. Next to him someone is carding their fingers through his hair and whispering gently in his ear. He exhales slowly and pushes his head up into the person's hand.

"You do so much for us, hyung," they continue whispering, Chan finally recognizing it as Minho's voice. "We're so grateful we have you, our amazing leader. Sometimes I just wish you would stop being so stubborn and let us take care of you."

"So that's how you talk to me when you think I'm asleep," Chan whispers, a smile playing on his lips.

"Hyung," Minho whines, stilling his hand in Chan's hair. "You're awake, did you sleep well?"

"Mm," Chan hums, pushing his head into Minho's hand, not so subtly asking him to continue.

Minho chuckles but humour him, shifting slightly on the bed. "I've heard some people moving around, so we probably have to get up soon."

"Just a little longer," Chan says, not more than a sleepy mumble. He turns over slightly so Minho can reach the back of his head, finding himself with his nose pressed into the junction between Minho's neck and his shoulder. It's a little uncomfortable, and he's probably pressing down on Minho's shoulder, but he can't find the motivation to move. Minho doesn't protest either. Like this, he's surrounded by heat and Minho's smell, almost enough to put him back to sleep.

He's startled back awake when he hears Seungmin whining on the other side of the blankets. "Minho-hyung… I don't want to have to wake you up, please."

Chan opens his eyes to find Minho already looking at him, a mischievous glint in his eyes and a smirk on his lips. "Don't want to," he whines, so close that Chan can feel his breath on his face. God, if Seungmin doesn't properly interrupt soon, Chan might actually do something stupid. Like kissing Minho.

The sudden realisation of that shakes him so bad that he doesn't notice that Seungmin has janked the blankets aside until he says, "What are you doing?" his tone of voice sceptical.

"Nothing," Minho says, but doesn't take his eyes off of Chan.

Seungmin mutters something under his breath, that could be, "for fuck's sake," before janking the blanket off of them. "Get up, now. Please, hyung."

"We're getting up!" Chan says, sitting up and trying to ignore how hot his ears feel. Nothing happened, it's fine.

————— 

Chan doesn't trust that he wouldn't have the same nightmare again if he goes to sleep alone, in his own bed. Maybe it won't even help to sleep with Minho again.

He shakes himself, trying to rid his head of the thoughts that accompany how that statement could also be understood. No thinking about that. Not now, not ever.

"You alright, hyung?" Jisung asks from next to him.

"Yeah, it's nothing. Promise."

Jisung looks sceptical, but seems to accept it, going back to work.

—————

After the fiasko with his infected wound, Chan had promised to get back home earlier, so he wouldn't be practically dead from exhaustion and unable to do more than collapse in bed.

And yet, that night finds Chan still in the studio at 2am. He doesn't really have any plans of getting back soon, but can't help but look at the clock every few minutes. He knows he needs sleep, painfully aware of what happens otherwise, and yet…

To be completely honest, Chan is afraid of going to sleep. He knows — he  _ knows _ — he will have that dream again, and waking up from it, drenched in sweat and body shaking from the anxiety of it all, does not help his exhaustion. Rather, he feels almost even more tired after it.

So, yes, Chan can't sleep.

Deep down, he knows it's stupid, that he should talk to someone, anyone, about it. But he has a certain kind of pride that is keeping him from doing it. There's so many people trusting him to handle being a leader and a producer, who expect him to deal with a certain amount of workload. And Chan is fine with that, he can deal with it.

—————

Chan cannot deal with it.

He gasps awake, flailing so badly he falls out of the chair, hitting his head against the desk. He lays on the floor for some very long moments, trying to blink the pain away. That's not good. He can't tell if the way his vision swims is from the exhaustion or the hit to his head, which just makes him want to curl up and hide under the desk even more.

He doesn't want to see the world anymore, ready to just clock out of existance. He wants to be able to sleep, to be able to go to bed without his hands shaking from the fear of what might happen during his dreams. Plain and simple, Chan is ready to just pass out for several months. Maybe more.

He hits his curled up fist against the floor when he feels the first trail of wetness down his cheek. He can't cry now, has no pity for himself when in the end this is all his fault.

When he finally manages to drag himself up from the floor and into one of the armchairs he has to blink rapidly to make sure he's seeing correctly.

6:12.

_ Oh shit _ , that is all but good — maybe, if he's quick and lucky, he can get back to the dorm before anyone wakes up, but with the past couple weeks, Chan highly doubts he will have that much luck. Well, better to try than stay here, though.

He doesn't fully turn off the computer, knowing he will be back again in just a few hours anyway.

The sun has already begun rising in the sky when he gets outside, gently illuminating all the buildings around him. It's beautiful, but Chan has too much on his mind to really take it in.

He tries to be as quiet as possible when he unlocks the door and steps inside. There's no lights on as far as he can see, but that doesn't have to mean everyone is still asleep. He toes off his shoes and dumps his backpack by the door, relaxing slightly when he still can't hear anyone.

Of course, that means he almost jumps out of his skin when he walks into the kitchen and finds Jeongin by the sink.

"Why are you awake," he whispers when he finally gets his heart back under control.

"I have school, hyung," Jeongin says, and when he doesn't add anything more Chan starts thinking that he might be safe. "Why did you get back home now?"

So maybe he isn't safe yet. "Don't worry about it," Chan waves him off. "I'm fine."

"That's not what I asked, hyung," Jeongin frowns. "Why weren't you already home? Have you even slept?"

"I feel asleep at the studio," Chan sighs, leaning against the counter.

"You promised to get home earlier," Jeongin says, an accusation but not unkindly.

"I know," Chan whispers, closing his eyes at the guilt welling up inside of him. "I know."

"I know I'm a lot younger than you," Jeongin says, his voice weak, "and you don't want to come to me with your worries."

"That's not-"

"But please, hyung," Jeongin begs him with wide eyes, "at least talk to Felix-hyung, or Minho-hyung."

"I will," Chan promises, his heart hurting with guilt. "Get to school now, don't want you to be late."

—————

They don't have dance practise until the afternoon, when Jeongin has finished school for the day. Until then, Chan holes himself up in his studio, ignoring any questions about how he slept at breakfast.

But the dance practise doesn't … go well. He knows from the start that it won't, exhaustion wearing down heavy on his limbs. Everyone is worried, he can see them, but no one insists further when he tells them he's fine.

Minho forces frequent breaks, telling Chan to drink water again and again.

"I'm just tired," Chan insists when Minho tells them to have another break, no more than 20 minutes after the last one.

"Excuse my forwardness," Minho says through clenched teeth, "but you're not 'just tired'. You're fucking exhausted and sleepdeprived but you refuse to admit it."

"You shouldn't talk to your hyung like that," Chan reprimands, but there's no heat to it.

"If you're gonna keep being so fucking stupid I will."

"Please don't swear, hyung," Hyunjin butts in, "but he's right, Chan-hyung. When did you get home last night?"

"Not that late," Chan lies, unable to meet Hyunjin's eyes.

"It was almost 7am."

"Thank you for telling me, Jeongin," Hyunjin says, probably smiling, but Chan can't tell, seeing as he's staring down at the floor.

"Hyung, you know I don't want to do this," Minho says, "but I have no choice. You can't dance like this. Either go home and get some sleep, for the love of god, or sit down and monitor us."

It feels terrible, being reprimanded by someone younger than him, in front of the people he's supposed to lead. He deserves it, though. Every last bit of embarrassment and shame, every word thrown at him. He should stop being so dramatic, too, while he's at it.

"Fine," he mutters, still unable to accept that he deserves the scolding, and sits down against the mirror. "I'll monitor."

—————

He doesn't even try staying at the studio after dance practice, knows that is a battle he has already lost. Instead he follows the rest back home, works for a while in his room.

He'll need to figure something out before it's time to sleep, though. He doesn't trust himself, doesn't trust the dream to not be there as soon as he falls asleep.

He thinks it's Changbin when the door opens sometime around ten. It turns out it's not, when Minho sits down next to him on the bed.

"I didn't  _ want _ to scold you in front of the kids, I never do."

"I know," Chan says, closing his laptop.

"Is it still the nightmares?"

"Yeah," Chan sighs, thumping his head back against the wall. "It's there every time I try to sleep. As if the universe is trying to punish me or something."

"What would you be punished for?" There's no judgment in Minho's voice.

"I don't know. But it feels like that."

"So you don't trust yourself to sleep?"

Chan can just nod.

"That won't help either, you know?"

"I know that!" Chan says, frustrated. "I  _ want _ to sleep, but I can't trust that I won't have the dream again! I'm so tired of it, of being afraid of sleeping."

Minho pulls him into his shoulder, one hand coming up to wipe away the tears Chan hadn't realised had started falling from his eyes.

"You know, I wouldn't be surprised if you confessed to me and it turned out to be a prank or just a wishful dream, either, at this point."

Minho stills his movement, the hand on his back going slack. Chan knows he's fucked up then.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"Do you mean that?" Minho asks, turning Chan's head towards him with a hand on his chin. "Would me confessing to you be a wishful dream?"

Chan is at a loss for words, getting lost in Minho's eyes and how close together their faces are.

"Do you want me to tell you that I like you?" His rubs his thumb on Chan's chin, only millimeters away from his lips. "Do you want me to kiss you?"

"Please." It's no more than a broken pleading, Chan begging for Minho to do something.

Minho leans forward, stopping just before their lips meet. "I do. Like you, that is."

Then they are finally kissing, wet and messy not from open mouths and tongues, but from the tears down Chan's cheeks, that only now seem to stop. Minho presses quick and feather-like kisses against his lips, as if trying to get in as many as he can in as short of a time as possible.

Chan likes it, but he wants more, wants to properly feel Minho's lips against his. He grabs the collar of Minho's shirt, pulls him closer and leans back, until they fall down on the bed, Minho over Chan.

"Kiss me like you mean it." It's a challenge, and Minho accepts it right away.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on sns:
> 
> [tumblr](https://s-kiz.tumblr.com/)  
[amino](https://aminoapps.com/c/straykids/page/user/s-kiz/ng7z_rxsofVn712kdDeagPXrQNr55Ld4V0se)  
[twitter](https://twitter.com/bangpeachchan) (that i barely use)


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